This what a Jesus camp looks like...
Now let's begin:
Gold dust appearing on people's palms...
Heavenly oil pouring from people's faces and hands...
Real angel feathers falling from the ceiling... Diamonds and jewels raining from the sky!
These are the signs and wonders of the Lord...
Last weekend, I attended my church's much dreaded youth camp at a Christian ranch in the middle of nowhere. I could go all day whining about this camp... but you want me to explain the statement above. Well, turns out the preacher our church invited to camp was one of those Charismatic Pentecostal preachers. Now brace yourselves.
He came to the stage, started yelling and shouting "HALLELUJAAAAAH!!!" The man was very forceful and overbearing when preaching. I could tell many found his intimidating at first. He successfully got these kids out of their comfort zone. Soon the we're all chanting and shouting with him. I've been there, done that... "oh no! I'll just go with the flow so he doesn't call me up to the front and embarrass me!" or "If I don't shout then people will think I'm less of a believer". Fuck that.
The first night... He went on talking about the 'miracles' he had witnessed and performed. He claimed that during one of his miracle crusades, by simply laying his hands on a woman's head, she immediately lost 7 dress sizes. Then he said he has witnessed a crippled person be healed by the Holy Spirit, a person RISE FROM THE DEAD, and get this... an amputee woman whose prosthetic leg became FLESH (as in a normal leg) overnight through the power of God. And there he goes speaking in tongues... Basically saying the same thing, and changing a few vowels here and there, I even noticed a small pause.... probably as he thought up more nonsense to say. "Speaking in the Spirit" he called it. Tsk tsk.
He talked about how today's youth have to 'see it to believe it'. Damn fucking right. Did I witness any of these extravagant and frankly ridiculous claims during my stay? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Instead, as "PROOF" of God's Spirit being with us that night... he claimed that God had placed glory dust in our hands. Yes... glory dust, a sort of heavenly glitter that Jesus magically sprinkles on the hands of his followers. Soon enough about 5 people went up to the front and claimed to have glory dust in their hands. Curiously, I checked my hands... Nothing. The hands of people around me. Nothing. "Who doesn't believe me?" asked the preacher. I raise my glitterless hand, along with about 5 other people. Wow. Only about 5... No one else dared question this mad man??
So I went up to the front, where he called one of the people who claimed to have this dust... She opened the palm of her hands... He checked her hand -- "Oh yes! Here it is!" The other skeptics and I inspected her hands... Wow. I saw something.... and it was no heavenly glitter... I saw about four or five tiny glittery dots that I took notice of only after close inspection. I immediately recognized this 'supernatural phenomenon'. I had seen it before... In fact I get it all the time after exercise. That's no 'god glitter', honey. Just simple fucking salt our bodies release from sweating. "That's nothing... you're probably making them think they have glitter... It's not real." said one of the skeptics. "Maybe you're right.... or maybe it's the power of God!!" answered this preacher. Wow. There's our answer right there.
There was prayer... The same 3 girls that ALWAYS cry during prayer started crying again. The service ended.
I went to sleep. I was infuriated. This man had lied to all these youth, many of whom were dumb enough, or rather brainwashed enough to believe him.
The next morning he told us how to live our lives, started whining about today's society, condemning premarital sex, masturbation, homosexuality, and saying how a family member of his "left the gay lifestyle" and how they and their former "lover" are now "saved" and "serving the Lord." By now I wanted to throw a brick at this asshole.
The day went on, we had some fun activities that helped me relax a bit at least... Everyone was looking forward to Saturday night.... The big event where we would all experience the power of the Holy Ghost. Soon enough.... we all went inside the chapel. It was time. I was angry, depressed, annoyed... yet curious at the same time. Like a good skeptic, I though... --oh fuck it, let test this bitch out!--
They moved the chairs out of the way, he began praying for people. I was a bit hesitant to go at first... I had a million times before.... and nothing had ever happened. But I thought... if this man really is a messenger of God... then I'll see what he says about me. Know that I've met this man before. He knows my brothers and I as well as my parents (who invited him of course). So after waiting for about an hour just standing there, he came up to me. I stood there with my eyes closed... he lifted my arms, then held my head... and this is what he said --
"God has a calling on your life. No like that of your brothers or your parents. He has placed a mantle upon you." Great. Well God can go fuck himself cuz even if he was real I wouldn't follow his glittery ass.
"Jesus loves you... You don't have to pretend (to be a model Christian, or something to that extent), you're not alone." Oh how nice of him. How fucking sweet. Really. And those are God's holy words of holiness for me. Apparently it's not a big deal that I like other dudes or, you know, that I DON'T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE IN HIM. He just wants me to be his little pawn.
This is funny... he told my angry, testosterone-poisoned younger brother that he had the calling of a 'miraculous healer.' Sounds like just the thing for such a sweet and nurturing guy :-)
I looked around... Two guys were on the floor on some kind of trance state of mind. Three girls were crying a lot... The same 3 girls. And this is where it got weird.
One them was on the floor, crying and sobbing.... He came up to her and said "Sister, God wants to give you the gift of laughter in the Lord" or something like that. As soon as he finished that sentence, she began laughing. At first it was just a giggle, then it escalated into this loud laughter. He moved on to the next girl... she was also on the floor in this trance state, tears in her eyes. He prayed for her... she began laughing also. Then he moved on to the last girl, she was standing, and also crying. I believed he picked the three most emotional people, all girls of course. (I know a couple of them... and they literally cry every time they're led in prayer.) Bam, she starts laughing also. My now the first girl had returned to the giggle... The preacher came up to her and yelled "JOY! JOY! JOY!" really fast. Woohoo, she starts laughing hysterically again. I also saw a friend of mine (very Christian woman) break into tongues... She was speaking really fast and crying.
What do I make of all this? Is this proof of God's existence? Clearly, I found it strange. The girls probably felt like they had to play along and laugh out loud. Maybe this was some sort of hypnotism, and these girls are very susceptible to it. Or maybe God did it... and giant diamonds really can fall from the sky, as can angel feathers, holy oil can ooze from people's bodies (I found a picture of large bottles, these people claim are filled with god oil), plastic prostheses can transform into human flesh, people can be covered in jesus glitter, obese Christian women can pray the ass away (heaven forbid they do some exercise!!), and dead people can... yes.... come back to life.
This all reminds me of a video I saw soon after I first became a skeptic --
I hope you found this post interesting. Leave a comment below! What do you think of these preachers? Funny he mentioned Oral Roberts, "a great evangelist"... The same Oral Roberts who said God told him he was going to die if people did not donate a million dollars to his campaign...
My hope is that one day we will have abandoned these crazy beliefs... but hell... if I can find one of those "Angel feathers" I'm turning that shit in to the DNA lab... (Ends up being plastic, I bet)
Until next we meet,
Lakilester --"Bullshit free since 2008"
