TIRED OF IT ALL [insert emo rant here]

So I haven't made any new posts for a week or so... Sorry about that.

The thing is... I'm tired. I'm just tired of this monotonous life. Sick of the routine. No.... actually, it's deeper than that. I've been doing a lot of thinking on where I am in life right now. I've just realized that all the shit I deal with is stopping me from looking forward to my future. I've tried to build this strong independent attitude in order to protect myself from what's to come, and it really isn't working. I don't know what to do anymore.


Let's break it down like this: Ever since I was little, I've had this idea of what my future was going to be like. I wanted to fall in love, get married, have/adopt kids, and have the support and love of my family and friends throughout my life. Obviously that's not likely to happen. I realized that I've just distanced myself from my family and relatives, and everything that is Christian around me. I don't know if that's the right step to take but I can't help it. I've told myself time and again that all I need is me, myself, and I. That as long as I am firm in who I am everything will be okay. And it's helped a lot... I am more confident, strong, and brave than ever before, but I feel like it's not enough. I love my friends to death, they are like a treasure for me :) Even so, none of them can heal the wounds I still have.  I just want someone to come and tell me that they love me no matter what and that everything will be alright. I've never heard that from my parents. I haven't heard it from their God either. I don't want to believe in a God that judges people and sends them to Hell for eternity. I want a God that loves me and accepts me for who I am, and there is no God like that. I used to truly believe in God. It's sad but I will never be a Christian again. Christianity is what killed my relationship with my family and made me despise myself for years. I hate it. I just hate organized religion in general. It's pointless. No one knows if there's a God or not, and if there is... it's surely not some hateful god like the one Christians worship.

So I don't keep in contact with any of my relatives in Argentina. I avoid talking to most people at church. I don't even feel like I belong in my family anymore. It's sad. Today I had a dream in which I was living alone. And it felt real. I felt that deep solitude which I am no stranger to. And I've looked forward to being on my own for so long, but it's not really anything to look forward to.

I hate loneliness. When I was little in that hell-hole called Argentina loneliness was all I knew. I had no friends and had no self-esteem (neither did my brothers and they're just as fucked up as I am). I always felt like my parents were weak and couldn't do anything to help me. I often had dreams that they were gonna die. Sometimes, that feeling of loneliness comes back to haunt me. Like when I went on my geology field trip and I didn't know anyone.

Haha ANYWAY....

I know my life will be hard. I just wish I could find some source of motivation... something to look forward to. Something that will drive me to do my best.

Damn, I need a psychologist...



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